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the last journey

by dave phillips

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1.
one 09:14
2.
two 10:28
3.
three 10:13
4.
four 04:53
5.
five 08:30
6.
six 10:18
7.
seven 02:46
8.
9.
nine 11:48
10.

about

this music came out of me after my mother’s last journey.

credits

released February 3, 2023

...
THE LAST JOURNEY

my dear mother... she's been so up and down. since my dad's demise in june '21, she's been struggling to regain her footing, and since this past summer it became apparent that the struggle was getting increasingly harder. her dementia's been progressing too, along with all her other age-related health worries, limitations and inconveniences. she’d often say, old age is no fun.

at some time this autumn, her enlisting with "exit" was discussed (exit is a swiss institution that helps with "sterbehilfe”, a rather descriptive german word that finds no adequate english translation), and it was becoming more and more clear that her getting accepted into exit was becoming more and more unrealistic, due to her "soundness of mind” - the enlisting procedure is quite diligent, as it has to be. at one point she was asking "so what can i do if i want to go?".

at this point i’d like to mention that one reason for my mum to enlist with "exit" was, at the end of her partner’s - my father's - existence, and his, ehm, advanced state of dementia - she said "i never want to end like this".

so, well... mum had heard she could "just stop eating and drinking, and end all medication“. and that's what she did. she told us, her kids, about her plan, and we all agreed to fullfil her wish as best as we could, and to accompany her, which she wanted. we discussed this plan with her old-people's-home staff and doctors, and they agreed to offer us all they could to facilitate that journey. 8 days later, my mother was no more...

but - her last week was one of a flower blossoming! a final but most beautiful bloom. once she had made up her mind about her course, she walked it with confidence and determination. (an increasingly low self-esteem was one of her old-age ailments, and decision-making had become more and more difficult).
she hugged everyone, and especially us, her kids, over and over. she smiled all the time. she had found a peace in her that she hadn't had in many years. she stopped having to worry. (a more and more worried and confused mind had been troubling her and her wellbeing a lot.)

she asked us to strictly not give her any food or drink even if she were to beg for it. but she never asked.

although, she had planned a “last supper”, in a thai restaurant in our village, with her best friend she had made in her new home, and us, her kids. up to that point, she didn’t eat or drink, and after that point, she didn’t eat or drink - but that last supper, she indulged in.

without the man who had been by her side for 60 years, her life experience and quality decreased noticeably, being alone meant being half at best, most things were a struggle, and she was sick and tired of trying to find her footing again, of her health and mind decreasing, of her bipolar condition causing her more and more "black" days. she had had enough of struggling - and she saw clearly what lay ahead. but probably most of all - she wanted to join her love. and that's where she went. no messing about. we, her kids, were with her 24/7 on her last 8 days. she stood grand and strong and left with dignity.

i'm still gathering my senses. it happened so fast...
yes there is an angle of personal loss - my mother is no more. but there's a much, much greater story there, something so strong and beautiful, something so... honest, knowing, animal and humane and fearless... i still don't know what words to look for.

i find myself in awe, flabbergasted, gobsmacked. i'm so proud of my mum, and i’m proud of being her son... i feel profound gratitude for having had such a unique and powerful human being in my life.
and i am deeply grateful for all the experiences and gifts that life offers...

dave phillips, unterägeri, january 2023

transmitted november december 2022

in memoriam catherine phillips

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dave phillips Zürich, Switzerland

PHYSICAL SHOP TEMPORARILY CLOSED -> AM ON TOUR.
sound as communication in direct and primal form, a language, a tool of metaphysics, a conscience, a consciousness. works that oppose the omnipresent restriction and reduction of life, to activate primordial shared emotions otherwise hidden under the debris of this crumbling civilisation.
ritual protest music to curse homo sapiens out of its....
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